Hello. Is it Superman ?

Yes. This is Superman speaking.

There is a world, which needs to be saved. Are you interested ?

I don't know . . . you haven't paid your bills . . . have to buy food for wife and kids . . . I think, that I'll pass.

But you're the only one, who can save the world ?

You put me to custody after last time. And tried to kill me. 

Try to find someone else. I have better things to do.

But you are the Superman ?

Yes. But you are an asshole.

Three steps to heaven - TV Quiz

Each and everyone has his-her moments. A group of contestants were making appearance in TV-quiz. Boys are very honest, and they want to win the competition. And now we transfer ourselves into a live broadcast.

"And to the final question. It is about music." Simon speaker begins. "What are the three steps to heaven ?"

Boys negotiate a while, finally the solo guitarist raises his head, and starts to talk.

"Okay, boss . . .  hmm . . . The three steps to heaven . . .  Khrmm. . . . This is easy . . . Kids play to be exact . . . very familiar with theese steps . . .  followed the steps very many times . . .  so  here is our answer  . . . " Boys' solo guitarist begins.

"Could we have some drumming please. " Simon speaker gets interested and hints the orchestra.  The orchestra start to play drums. Simon turns back to boys.

"Yes. Three steps to heaven, khrrm. 
Step one - Go and see your trusted drug dealer. 
Step two - Buy some really cool stuff from him. 
Step three -  Finalize your trip to heaven with an incept . . .  ouch injection. Of course."

"And ? ? ? ?"

"And no matter how it goes, you always end up into heaven."

Drinking Problem

A baby boy and baby girl are in the park with their mothers. The baby girl is little older than boy. The girl is already eating from the bottle, and the boy from mom's breasts.

The dinner time comes, and both babies are getting food. The girl gets her food from bottle with spoon. The boy sucks mom's breasts. 

The baby girl looks at the baby boy. The baby boy notices that. He gets a bit embarrassed, because he is still in breast feeding.  And the girl is not.

"????" the baby girl asks with her look.

"Khrmm. Just milking the cow." The baby boy responds to the looks.

Black Is Black

Civilized mom had spent a fortune for the technically oriented, clever little Willie's piano lessons. Once, when Willie was going to his lessons, chains from his bicycle fell off the wheels. When technically oriented Willie puts the chains back, his hands become greasy and black.

Eventually. When Willie comes to his lessons, his teacher gets angry :  "You're late. And how dare you come to the lessons with dirty, black hands"  she says. Pointing Willie's dirty, greasy hands.  "All white keys gets dirty, when you play."  She shouts.

Willie does not get embarrassed,  "What if we played with black keys only."  he suggests quickly to the teacher.

Why don't you answer

Willie had been married for quite a while. Their eldest daughter was already a teenager. She was interested in music and playing piano.

One day she came home from her weekly piano lessons. Her mentor-teacher had just praised her musical talents. She is very happy about the feedback, planning a career as famous musician. Willie is home alone, currently sitting in the bathroom. The phone has been ringing in the apartment for while. 

"Art is calling for me." the daughter shouts from the door. 
"So he is nowadays Art . . . What are you waiting for, why don't you go and answer the phone" Willie responds from the bath. 

Willie and Billie are not necessarily the brightest guys on earth. Once they were walking on the railroad track. A train comes. Boys start to run and escape the train. Train comes closer and closer. Finally Billie gets an idea.

"What if we run to bushes ?"  he suggests to Willie.
"How can we run faster and escape the train in the bushes."   Willie wonders back.

Under oath

Billie the playboy was sued to court, in a custody case. Of a new born children. One of Billie's female companions was asked to give a testimony in the case. The woman steps into box, and gives an oath. A bit nervous woman swears to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. After the oath, the prosecutor starts the questioning with common questions.

"So. You have been in a close relationship with Billie.", the prosecutor opens.

"Yes, your honor. I have been in a close relationship with the defendant." woman answers seriously.

"Khrrm, how long have you been with him ?", the prosecutor continues the questioning.

"Well. It depends." the woman begins. "Usually from ten to fifteen minutes. Sometimes Billie lasts over half an hour. And sometimes he comes within a minute." the woman continues honestly.

Fair Play

Simon Speaker is holding a public quiz for three contesters.

"Next question .. yes ... contestant number one, do you know or remember the year when Titanic sunk ?"
"1912, 14th of April to be exact." the first contestant answers.

"Correct, one point to contestant one. The next one point question goes to contestant two. How many people died, when Titanic sunk ?"
The second constant looks at Simon, thinks a while. Then he answers "1502 people died in the accident."
Simon looks at his papers, then he says.  "Correct, one point to contestant two." 

Simon holds a short break.
"Continuing with one point questions. Contestant number 3."
"Yes, sir." Contestant 3 responds with great enthusiasm.
Simon takes a quick look to his papers, then he asks : "The names of the 1502 casualties. Please."

Law and Order

A detective goes to see a suspect. He knocks the door, and waits. No-one answers. He knocks and waits again. After second knocking, the detective hears some noise inside the apartment. 

On the third time he shouts to the people inside. 
"Open the door. There is a police. And this is important."  

After a while loud voice behind the door responds.
"I see. There is a shotgun. And it is loaded."

Kiss Me Quick

Willie has a date with Liz at the local restaurant. Liz likes the evening with Willie. After the evening and ball is over, she allows Willie to escort her to home.

The couple walks hand-in-hand to Liz's home. Liz is not a bad looking young woman. Willie's imagination runs quite wild about Lizzie and the next night. Liz on the other hand, tries to keep a small distance to Willie.

Finally the couple arrives to Liz's home door. After a short quiet moment Willie starts conversation.

"Give me a kiss." Willie asks from Liz.
"You got make me want it first." Liz teases Willie.
"That's what I am trying to do." Willie misunderstands Liz, and continues. "So. If we start with the kissing and hugging . . .  khrrm . . .   I think that you will get exited quite soon . . . and we'll get to the real business . . . soon after the kissing and hugging is over."

Beauty and the Booze

It is Sunday morning. On Saturday Willie had a wild night at the restaurant. So wild, that he overloaded himself with booze. 

Willie wakes up. He has a strange feeling, that he is not alone in his bed. Willie opens his eyes and looks around. Right beside him, there lies an awful looking ... rather old ..  wrinkled woman. Much like a Halloween or Eastern Witch.

Willie shakes the woman a little, and the woman wakes up.
"Who the hell are you ... witch ?" Willie asks from the woman.
"Which ?!... Last night you said ... you said, that I am Marilyn Monroe ... And you were dying to get into bed with me." The woman answers.

Tourist

A man died and he was at the gates of the hell and heaven. He had a chance to check both places before making the decision about the world he was going.

First he checked heaven. It was quite boring place. People playing harps on green fields. He was asked to dress up into a white toga, and join the choir.

Our man was not very interested. So he decided to a glimpse from the hell too. In the hell good looking women offered him drinks and asked him to join a wild party.

"This is my place" the man thought, and decided to settle down into hell. After he settled down, he was forced to do hard labor for the Devil Himself. Our man was not very happy, so he went to see Devil.

"When you introduced the place to me, there was lots of fun and parties. And now I have to do hard labor for you. Seven days a week, 16 hours a day." our man complained.
"First time you were a tourist, having a vacation. Now you belong to the staff."  Devil responded cold bloodedly to the man's complaints.